Flo Golod

Practicing for Heaven




You’re an over-achiever.  That’s your problem.

All I wanted was a little help, some support.  But you have to analyze everything.  You couldn’t just look a few things up for me or stop by when I needed to talk.  No.

You had to know why I wanted the information.  I had to make an appointment to see my own sister.  So now I don’t need you anymore and you’re all grief stricken.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what you said at the funeral.  You’re good with words and I don’t think anyone else would have known what to do.  But I wish that you’d listened to me when I told you something was wrong.  I really was sick and I was worried that you’d get sick too. There are some real toxic influences out there and I was onto them.  I knew stuff that I couldn’t really explain but you wouldn’t listen.  You thought I was paranoid.

           

It’s not so bad out here.  All that bullshit about heaven and hell makes people think they’ll end up floating in the clouds with little wings or burning up forever.  The death lottery.  You win or lose.  But it’s not like that at all.  We’re all kind of bumping up against each other in this brown fog.  Molecule to molecule.  Reminds me of being butt to butt at a rock concert but out here no one is hot or ugly or tall or thin.  Just those molecules bumping around each other.  You can feel the vibes though.  Some bumps feel good, friendly.  Others are hostile, really evil.  You can tell they’re the particles of some real asshole.   But you don’t do any reacting out here.  You just bump around a little more and the asshole is gone and you’re bumping against something that feels pure and clean.  I bet those sweet molecules belong to kids who died.

           

What I really like about it out here is that I’ve lost all sense of time and I’m not that upset about the things I was upset about.  But I’m still mad at you.  My molecules are probably mad molecules.  I wonder how long I’ve been here.  I feel like I’m new but then I don’t know because the molecules don’t seem to be old or young or big or little.  I’m still concerned about what’s going on where you are.  Not just you but the whole family.  Hell, the whole town.  I think everyone’s in danger.

___________

Having a crazy sister makes you question your own sense of reality.  When Lulu first started acting really weird, it seemed more like a bad trip than a fundamental change in her personality.  She was always on a tear about something.  For years, she was obsessed with real estate.  Convinced she could make a fortune if she could just buy the right place, fix it up and then sell it.  But something always went wrong with the deal, and it was always somebody’s fault, the seller changed his mind and wanted more money, the bank screwed up or the inspector was on the take and wrote up false orders.     

   

Another time she was going to be a model.  Could have.  Tall, built, gorgeous.  But then the photographer messed up her pictures or the guy who interviewed her really wanted to shoot porn or you needed to be under 18 or you couldn’t get in the door.  Or or or.  But but but.  There was always a reason Lulu couldn’t get through to the other side.

           

So when she started telling me that the neighbors were watching her and putting poison in the yard, I just rolled my eyes – it helped we were on the phone – and told her I doubted it and why did she think so. 

           

“They hate me.  The guy tried to put the make on me, and his wife knows it so they’re trying to get rid of me.”

           

“By poisoning your garden?”

           

“Well, for practice.   I think they’re after Cody.”

           

“Cody?  Why would they poison your dog?”

           

“To get at me.  Without the dog, they could get in here.  That or they just want me to move.”

           

“Hmmm.  I hope you’re wrong.”

           

“You’re handling me.  I hate it when you handle me.”

           

“I hate it when you get paranoid and talk like a lunatic.”

           

Sound of phone crashing in my ear.

So there were conversations like that for a few months and then I stopped calling because I didn’t want to hear it.  I called a help line and inquired about assistance for those with delusions.  The nice helper explained that the deluded had to seek help or else be so far gone that they posed a danger to themselves or those around them.  Earlier suggestions to Lulu that she might need help had been met with scorn and curses.  As Lulu’s birthday neared,  I realized it had been three months since I’d talked to her.  I called and left a message.  Her machine message sounded cool and rational.  Maybe it had just been an episode.  But she didn’t call back.  I called again two weeks later.  Same deal.  So, I dropped her a card and told her I was sorry if I was mean but that I was worried about her and would she let me know she was ok. 

    

No answer. 

    

A few months later a cousin we both like was coming into town.  So I called and left Lulu a message again.  I got a card addressed to Craig, care of me.  Pretty carefully written:

    

“Geeze, I’ve never been blown off this formally.  What’s going on with Lulu?”

     

“Craig, I’m worried about her.  She was getting paranoid and I challenged her a few times and then she just disappeared.  Wouldn’t return my calls, didn’t answer the apology note I sent her.”

“Have you called Mary Anne?”

“Are you kidding?”

“Well she is her mother.”

“She’s my mother too, remember?”

Craig shrugged an apology,

“Don’t be embarrassed.  Mary Anne was, is and will always be a piece of work.  I haven’t talked to her in years and Lulu only calls her when she’s broke or needs a place to park the dog while she moves.”

“Well, up to you.  I suppose we could go over to Lulu’s place and knock.”

    

“Craig, I don’t want to drag you into this.  Lulu has gotten so weird that I don’t think it would be a good idea to surprise her.  I feel horrible about this but I’m going to leave Lulu alone for now.”

___________

Seven in the morning, a Sunday yet, and my phone starts ringing.

“Beanie, it’s Mary Anne.”

“Mary Anne, it’s seven on Sunday morning and no one calls me Beanie.  It’s Betty, remember?  Or Elizabeth.  I stopped being Beanie 15 years ago.”

“I know Beanie but I’ve got a problem here.  I keep calling Lulu and leaving messages and she won’t call me back.”

“Well she won’t call me either so we’re in the same boat.”

“I’ve got a dog in my boat.  Lulu dumped Cody here a month ago because she was moving.  I want this goddam dog out of here.  He howls and the neighbors are getting fed up.  You’ve got to find Lulu for me.”

“Mary Anne, I don’t got to do anything for you but I’ll try to find her because I’m worried.”

“If she doesn’t show up in a week, I’m going to take that dog to the pound.”

“Alright, alright.  I’ll find her.”

So I call and leave a message that Cody’s fate is on the line.  No answer.  I write a note because I’m still squeamish about just showing up on her doorstep.  “Lulu, Mary Anne is going to kill your dog for you.  Call her.  If you don’t call her by the end of the week I’m going to call the police and report you missing.”

“Beanie, she called me up and cursed me up and down and said I should have just called you about the dog.”

“What about the dog?”

“She said you’d take the dog.”

“Mary Anne, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“I don’t care, that’s what she said.  You taking Cody or does he go to the pound?”

So I have a dog.

_________

I’m getting the hang of this existence.   New molecules turn up and we just hang out here in the fog.  I think I told you the fog was brown, dense.  Well it’s not so brown any more, kind of a nice smoky grey and the molecules are still bumping around but there’s more space between bumps.  

Also, and this is really great, there aren’t as many bad bumps, or bumps into bad matter.  No one really explains anything out here but you gradually absorb your new reality.  Whatever I was or am now gets diluted as time goes by.  Whoever I was, I’m fragments of her in the grey fog and, it’s hard to explain really, I’m drifting further away.  From you, from myself. 

    

And I’m not really mad anymore.  I wish that you had tried to understand what I was telling you, because it was important.  But I didn’t have credentials and you thought I was crazy.  That hurt.  But you took care of Cody.

   

Cody’s out here too.  It’s not like I recognize his molecules, his particular matter.  I just have this sense that I’ve been bumping into him sometimes.  You can feel a little magnetic pull to other molecules sometimes.  It doesn’t last but it’s kind of exciting for a moment.  Whatever a moment is.  I haven’t figured out the time thing but what is really cool is that it doesn’t matter

____________

Sometimes I could kick myself for being such a bitch.  Other times, I want to wring her neck.  Lulu’s toxins poison me too.

Someone beeped in on the other line while I was setting up an interview.  I’d been trying to get this guy to talk to me for weeks and finally, we’re on the line, we’ve got our calendars and, beep,  “Betty, this is Lulu.” 

           

“Lulu, I’m on the other line and it’s important.  Can I call you right back?”

           

“No, I’m at a pay phone.  I’ve got to talk to you, now.”

           

“OK, let me tell the guy and I’ll be right back.”

    

Beep.  “Say, I’m really sorry but a relative is calling from a pay phone and needs my help pronto.  Can I call you back?”

           

He sounds irritated but says yeah and I am fairly certain that I will never get this interview.

           

“OK Lulu.  This better be good because you just lost me a gig.”

           

“Hey, I’m in some serious trouble here.  You have to come and get me.”

           

“What kind of trouble?”

           

“Well, the poison is really in me now.  I don’t think I’m going to last long.”

           

“What poison?  The neighbors, again?”

           

“No.  There’s this woman who said she could help me.  She said she could use herbs and help me detoxify but she was a liar.  She put poison in the antidote.”

           

“How do you know?  Did you go to a doctor?”

           

“No, the doctors do it too.  They just give you poison and tell you to go home to rest. Come and get me and I’ll explain it.”

           

“Lulu, where the hell are you?”

           

“I’m in Harry’s Bar in Ely.”

           

“Lulu, why are you in Ely?”

“Please don’t give me the third degree now.  I only have a couple quarters left and this is the only phone in this town.  Up here they all use cells.”

“You want me to drive 250 miles and find a bar in a town I hardly know?  Give me a break.  Why are you there?”

“I told you.  The healer who is just a fraud, she poisoned me.  She lives out here in a cabin.”

“How did you get there?”

“I took a bus and she picked me up in town and I stayed with her until I figured out she was killing me so I left and hitched a ride into town.  You’ve got to get me.  I think the guy who gave me a lift is following me.”

“Lulu, if I left now I wouldn’t get there until after dark.  Do you have money to stay in a motel and take the bus back?  Just get to Duluth and I’ll come and pick you up there.”

“I can’t stay up here.  It’s a small town and they all know about me.  They want the poison to work so I’ll die and I won’t be able to tell anyone what happened.”

“What happened?”  I could have kicked myself for asking.

“I’ll tell you about it when you get here.  I can wait at the bar, in the ladies room until you get here.”

“Lulu, it’ll take me at least five hours from Minneapolis and you can’t wait in the ladies room that whole time.”

“I can manage.  Just get here.”

“I can’t believe you’re ordering me around.  You haven’t returned a call for over three years and I’ve got the dog you dumped on me without asking.  Are you crazy?”

“For Christ’s sake, you’re my sister.  I need you.”

“Lulu.  I am not driving to Ely.  Go stay in a motel and I’ll come up there tomorrow.”

“No, you’ve got to come tonight.  I’m not going to make it and I have to explain to you what happened.”

__________

    

Well, I know you still don’t believe it but I was right.  I was poisoned.  There’s no cancer in the family.  It’s environmental.  I read a lot and tried to tell you about it, but you just blew me off.  Your paranoid nut sister.  Half sister. Helps explain the difference between us.  Ms. Well-Informed with your very well-informed father. My father, Mr. Who Knows.  One picture of this good-looking dude and a few postcards.  My paternal legacy. 

     

So Mary Anne, our common denominator.  She’s a nutcase too, a mean one.  Whatever my frailties, I was never mean.  Everyone is a bitch once in awhile but I didn’t sit around and think about how to make everyone else miserable.  On that we always agreed.  Mary Anne worked at being a bitch.  It was her art form. 

   

And I know you think when I stopped talking to you that I was being mean.  But that wasn’t it at all.  I was protecting myself.  They were trying to poison me and I knew they’d use you.  You’ve got that social worker streak and it would have been real easy for one of my neighbors, or some doctor, to convince you that I needed help and then you’d help them poison me, thinking it was medication and you were curing me.  

_________

So, I drive to Ely on a Wednesday night.  Cody in the back seat.  I could have left him with someone but I had a feeling.  I thought I might need him.  It’s a long drive to Ely from Minneapolis, and the roads get quiet and dark once you’re up north.  Driving along through endless tunnels of tall pines, I chided myself for never getting up there for a camping trip, to enjoy the beauty of the thick dark woods.  But the thick dark woods when you’re all alone, except for your dog who is looking a little wary himself, and your car is old and no one really knows where you are, this is not the way to experience the wilderness.  I’d checked my cell phone at the last gas station and we were out of the service area.  Me, Cody and my very old Toyota barreling along on a mission.   And no one but Lulu knew where we were or where we were bound.

   

I was also unclear about the nature of the mission.  Mercy?  Rescue?  Was I going to save Lulu or confront her?  Could I get her committed?  What was I going to do with her once I got her?  These questions circled around like annoying bugs.  I could swat at them but not with answers.  Lulu is right.  Normally I am pretty methodical, possibly overly rational.  But I could not narrow the puzzle of Lulu down to one question with a range of possible answers and then analyze them for their merits.  I realized that Lulu was so unknown to me now that I was afraid of her.  I had no idea who I was meeting or what to expect.

___________

One of the reasons I like it out here is that I know I’ll never have another night like that last night.  There aren’t even days and nights and that is really cool because there’s no dealing with getting to sleep, not getting to sleep, waking up, not waking up and there’s really no dealing with other people and their noises and voices.  Molecules don’t talk.  They’re just the essence next door or in back of you or where ever it is you are.      

 

That last night, there were so many people talking to me that I thought I’d explode.  People were telling me they were going to cure me and they were going to give me something to drink that would make me feel better and that they knew my father and I was just like him and that they’d killed my dog and they were going to lock me up for my own good.  You read about torture in places like Iraq.  It was like that.  I couldn’t see them but I could hear them and I knew they were going to get me.

I also felt seriously ill.  When the poison gives you cancer, there’s nothing you can do.  Oh sure, you can let a doctor give you more poison and call it a treatment but what’s the point of that?  At first I thought that fake healer was on my side.  She said she didn’t believe in western medical science and that cancer can be cured by a combination of diet, meditation and homeopathic remedies.  I’d read up on it and it made sense.  But then she wanted me to take my clothes off and put on this robe and sit with her and drink something she’d made and I started really listening to her and her voice was like theirs.  She was in on it. 

I put my coat on and told her I was leaving.  She offered to give me a ride to town but I knew she was just going to drive me to some house with a bunch of fake healers and they’d use me for experiments.  Straight out of Charlie Manson.  No thanks.  I took off and hitched a ride with this old lumberjack.  He looked like a regular north woods guy, plaid shirt, red beard, cap etc., but he had two voices.  One voice was a regular dope,“What’s a girl like you doing up here alone?” voice, and the other was really hard to explain.  High pitched and shrill like a little gnome was under his hat telling me to eat part of his sandwich and drink coffee out of his thermos.  I know that trick.  No one is going to get me to drink out of some stranger’s thermos.  That guy was already poisoned and he had that other voice from the poison and neither of them was going to get me to drink his coffee.

So when we got to the edge of the town and he asked me where I was going, I saw the Harry’s Bar sign and said I was going to Harry’s.  I could tell he didn’t believe me but he pulled up in front of Harry’s and dropped me off.  All fake worry he said, “Are you sure you’re ok?” and the voice inside his head started laughing, a really evil laugh.

__________

Ely is a two street town with almost no lights and it was late, after ten.  I saw the neon Harry’s light and pulled up in front of the bar.  Now what?  Cody whined so I grabbed his leash and we got out.  I walked him down the street and he lifted a leg on a tree and then sat down.  OK, really, now what?  I walked him back to the car and he jumped into the back seat looking at me expectantly.  He thought I was going to get back in and we’d drive some more.  I stood there wishing I could.  Just get back in and drive all night to Minneapolis.  Listen to the radio.  Call someone when I got into range.  Having no plan at all, I turned my back on Cody and walked into the bar.

__________

All the things that used to mess me up seem so remote now.  The gray fog is fading to a soft blue and it seems like there’s lots more room, or time, not sure which, between molecules.  It feels like I moved out into the country, a quiet remote and peaceful place.  Not like that country around Ely.  That was like the woods out of Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

That bar was full of trolls, too.  I used to spend a lot of time in bars.  They were familiar territory.  And, not to brag, because of my looks, somebody always bought me a drink and plugged the jukebox with songs I wanted to hear. 

But the last thing I wanted to hear was that it wasn’t God who made honky tonk women.  That song was so loud and the three trolls at the bar were all leering at me and then there was a woman, kind of old and dumpy, and she was leering at me too.  Not those lecherous leers, but real villain leers.  They were out to get me.  I decided to play it cool for a while because I knew I was outnumbered.

“Excuse me, can you tell me where the pay phone is? And the ladies room?”

The three guys and the fat woman all stuck their thumbs back towards the dark part of the bar behind the pool table.   They wanted me cornered back there. 

Well, I had no choice.  I called you and then I went into the can, used it for its purpose and then just sat there for a long time, trying to figure out how to survive the hours until you’d show up.  I noticed a high window, one of those transom deals with a hinge half open, the window cocked a little to make up for the ventilation they don’t have.  I’m pretty tall so I could just barely reach the bottom frame of the window but I couldn’t get an angle to push it further open.    I wasn’t feeling well, actually I was dizzy, but I had to get out of there.  So I put the lid down on the toilet and stood up on it to push the window open.  That’s all I remember until the hospital.  I’m getting more detached but that still pisses me off.

__________

I hate walking into bars by myself.  The stares intimidate me and I’m never sure how I’m supposed to act so I almost never go to bars unless I’m with someone.  I won’t meet people at bars because I can’t stand sitting by myself for even five minutes, looking like I’m a loner or a looser that got stood up.  I realize this is self-involved but it’s kept me out of bars, which is just as well. 

So I walked into Harry’s.  It’s after ten and there are a couple guys sitting on bar stools and a tired looking woman wiping the bar off.  They look at me in the weirdest way.  I realize that a woman alone walking into a small town bar late at night is, well, weird, but the stares are more than curiosity.  They look apprehensive.

I walked up to the bar at the spot closest to the door and furthest from the two guys and cleared my throat.

“Excuse me, I was supposed to meet someone here.  Has there been another woman in here, alone . . . who seemed to be waiting?”

A long silence and they look at each other.  Lulu has been here and, as usual, something untoward has happened.

“Why you looking for her?” asks the bartender who I’m guessing owns the tavern.

“Well, she’s my sister and she was, well, kind of stranded up here and she asked me to come and get her.”

“You talking about the redhead?”

“Yes, she has red hair and she’s kind of tall.” I hadn’t seen Lulu in years.  I was glad to hear her hair was still red.  I didn’t feel confident of much but I was pretty sure that she had not shrunk.

“Your sister took a tumble in the washroom and we had to call an ambulance.”

“What happened?”

“Well, hard to say exactly because she was in the washroom and, of course, the door was closed.  And locked.  Which made it hard to help her.”

“How did you know she needed help?”

“We heard a crash.”  This from one of the guys at the bar.  “It was really loud and then we didn’t hear anything and then we got worried.”

“So I went over and knocked on the door, real loud and asked if she was ok.” said the bar lady.  “No answer.  I waited and knocked again but I knew something was wrong so Hank, who was here then, used a screwdriver and popped the lock.  We couldn’t get the door open all the way because your sister was on the floor and knocked out.”

“We were trying to move her legs so we could open the door.  When the ambulance got here, one of the paramedics, a wiry little guy, managed to push his way in and step across her.  She’d cracked her head and had bled all over but the guy said her pulse was good and we got the door open all the way and they got her on a stretcher and took her to the hospital.  It’s a couple miles from here.”

“How could she fall that hard in a little bathroom?”

“Well, that’s what we were wondering but her purse was in the sink and we saw a nail file up on the window ledge.  We think she might have been trying to get out the window.  God knows why.”

“Oh, dear.  I think I know why.  She’s been having a lot of trouble lately and she thinks people are going to hurt her.  She was probably trying to escape.”

“She scared the devil out of us.  Nothing like that has ever happened here.”

“When did it happen?”

“A couple hours ago.  I just finished cleaning up in there and Hank followed the ambulance to the hospital to make a report.  I hope she’s ok.”

“I do too.  Can you tell me how to get to the hospital?”

__________

Actually, I don’t remember much about the hospital.  I woke up and my head was throbbing.  I tried to touch it but they’d restrained my hands.  I heard voices but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.  I had heard about people talking in tongues and maybe that’s what was going on.

But there wasn’t much more they could do to me.  The poison was finishing me off.  I could tell.  I could tell they’d doped me too because it didn’t hurt.  I couldn’t tell if I still had a body.   Being knocked out is not like being a molecule.   When you’re knocked out, you’re blank.  No dreams, no realities, just blurry numbness.

But the doctor dope wore off a little and then I knew I was in a hospital and I thought I heard you talking to a nurse.  It was nice to hear your voice but I was too tired and dopey to start a conversation.  I was glad that you’d come to meet me but I knew that the nurse would brainwash you and . . . well, it didn’t matter.  I was almost gone.

__________

“Oh Jesus!”  I grabbed the nurse’s wrist.  She was a pretty good sport about letting a freaked out stranger clutch her.  “I can’t believe that’s Lulu.  I haven’t seen her in years.  She looks awful.”

“Well, she has a concussion and we believe that she has cancer, very advanced.”

“Why do you think that?”

“The doctor palpitated her abdomen, which is quite distended, and felt a significant mass there.”

“But she’s so thin.”

“Well, probably the cancer is consuming any nutrition she tries to take in.” 

“Lulu, poor Lulu.  First crazy, and now cancer.”

“What can you tell me about her?”

“She’s my half-sister.  I haven’t seen her in three years, or more.  She began having some pretty serious mental health problems and then she cut contact off.  I tried to talk to her and tried to get her to get help but she cut me off.”

“Any other family?”

“Just our mom.  She’s seen Lulu a couple times but she isn’t a particularly reliable witness herself.  She’s no help to anybody.”

“That’s tough.  But when mentally ill people isolate themselves, there’s not a lot you can do.” 

“I know, thanks.  I tried.  I called a crisis clinic and they told me they couldn’t do anything unless she posed harm to herself or someone else.  She was harming herself but . . .”

“Well, it pretty much takes a suicide threat to get that kind of intervention.”

“That isn’t her style.”

“I’m going to let you sit here for a little bit while I look in on a few other patients.  Then I’ll be back and I’m afraid I’ll have a lot of forms for you to fill out and I’ll ask you to give me contact information for your mother. Do you want to call her?”

“Mary Anne, God no.”

“No worries. We’ll notify her.”

“Thanks.”

__________

I heard your voice but it was all tangled up with the nurses and I didn’t want to show my cards.  But then it was just your voice and I could feel you patting my hand.  That felt good.  So long since anyone had touched me.  And since I knew I was dying, I wasn’t afraid of getting poisoned anymore.  I wanted to talk to you but the dope and the other poisons were wearing me out.  So I just let you pat me.   I knew how Cody felt but I didn’t have a tail to wag.

___________

Lulu died the next day, while I was in the bathroom.  I stayed at a motel that night, snuck Cody in and went back to the hospital early, since I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to get Cody out of the motel before we got busted.  Pretty soon everybody in Ely would know about the Campbell sisters. 

When I got to the hospital, the nice nurse was gone and the day nurse was busy so I didn’t know what to do.  I sat down next to Lulu and took her hand again.  The night before, she squeezed a little but by the next day she was pretty inert.  I said “Lulu” but got no response so I patted for a while and stared out the window.  It seemed like hours but later I figured it had had been only a half hour or so.  I went to the bathroom and when I was coming into Lulu’s room, I heard a nurse tell the assistant, “I think she’s gone.”

It was like watching a movie in slow motion. The assistant held Lulu’s wrist and the nurse was watching the monitor, scowling at it to see if it was telling the truth.  No pulse and no beeps. 

They noticed me but since they didn’t know me we all just stared at each other.

“Are you looking for . . ?”

“Her.  She’s my sister.  I just went to the bathroom and . . .”

“Oh, sorry, we knew about you from the chart but we didn’t see you here.  The station nurse noticed the heart monitor stopped and asked us to check.  There really isn’t anything anybody could do.”

“I know.  It just feels weird that she died while I was in the bathroom.  And she fell in the bathroom too.” 

“Well, there are more accidents in bathrooms than any other room in a house but I think this is just a coincidence.  Would you like to sit with her a minute before we call the coroner?”

“Actually, no.  I sat with her last night and this morning.  If she knew I was here, that’s good but I don’t want to look at what’s left of her anymore.”

The nurse pulled the sheet up over Lulu’s pale face, her strong jaw already slack.

I felt ill. But Cody was in the car and would need water, food and a pee.  The needs of the living.  It was time to push on. 

__________

I’m in the blue now and the toxins are all gone.  My molecules are clean, I can tell.  I feel free, and light.  You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

Copyright 2010 by Flo Golod

Biography

Flo Golod has the gift of imagination and vision not only in her writing but in her work as a consultant to grassroots, social justice and education organizations. She has been a charter school executive director, and a board member and consultant for Community Shares of MN at CSUSA, a non-profit devoted to issues of justice, equality and cooperative ventures.